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[04 Feb 2009|11:12pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

We all have things we do and then immediately regret. I think I am the expert on those things. He is back in my life and it was a mistake. Nothing has happened, no fights or anything, but this can't go on. I feel like I only half live my life when he is in it. I made a list of pros and cons about our relationship and there were 9 pros and like 17 cons. Maybe I should have made that list before I let him back in. I've been in love with him since October 2005 and I have loved him these past two years despite not having any contact at all. He says that some people are just meant to be friends, well I think there are some relationships in life that are toxic and need to be stopped. In my Conflict Management class, we call that permanent withdrawl. He hasn't done anything. It's my reaction to him in general that scares me and makes me a lunatic. He hasn't changed at all and maybe neither have I or maybe I have but now I've changed back. I miss who I used to be.

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"Does he have a penis?" - Jonsi, Sigur Ros [08 Oct 2008|10:58pm]
I hung out with Sigur Ros. It was fantastic. They are the nicest boys on the planet.

Kyle 'accidentally' texted me the night before the concert. It's been 1 year and 10 months since we last spoke and for some reason he still has my number in his phone. He told me he wasn't going to delete it. Even when I stopped texting him back, he wouldn't leave me alone. He only wants me when he's desperate for a friend because deep down he knows I will always love him. I may love him but I don't want anything to do with him.
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24 people jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in 2004 [06 Jul 2008|12:14am]
[ mood | scared ]

So I sit here and cry while listening to I Was a Cub Scout. It's then I know that my depression has reached a new level. My past has this hold on me that I cannot shake. I cannot escape it. And I am afraid that one day it will kill me. When I close my eyes, all I see is the mistakes I have made and I scream so loud inside my head that I think I will explode into a million pieces and that will be what is left of me. I have imagined my mind as a black circular room with movie screens on every wall. I am sitting in the middle of the room as my memories play on the screens and there are so many, many screens. Suddenly I run over and screaming, I tear all the screens off the walls to clear my mind. But behind every screen I tear down, there is another and so it never ends. There are times however that I am at peace. It's in these times that he is with me and we live on the coast, just the two of us. And I beg and I plead with God to give me this fantasy as a real life. I don't want much, just him and the sea.

I find it funny that I cry at romantic movies when I myself can never identify.

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Fuckin' Moz-tastic! [22 Aug 2007|07:09pm]
[ mood | excited ]

This is the most random post ever but it excites me sooooooooo much that I had to come on this God forsaken website and post it....

On September 26th, The Smashing Pumpkins are coming here to Boise AND on October 15th, I am headed to Salt Lake City to go see Morrissey in concert!!!!

My fave band in the universe and...Morrissey, who is a god, I adore him to no end. I don't care how old he is, he's as sexy as hell. This is like Christmas for me!!!! :)

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"You shouldn't play favorites with your testicles" [07 Jun 2006|02:40am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

It's been a while... a long while I know. So much has happened. I graduated from college, lost my best friend, gained back the best friend I ever had, started working full time, traveled to Mountain Home, been broke, been rich, been depressed, been insanely happy and to top it all off, I am moving into an apartment with Kyle next year, thus, staying in Moscow for at least another year. I have people telling me it's a bad idea, a good idea and everything in between. Kyle and I were accused of being exclusive in the weeks before the end of school. It was Denice and Eric vs. us with Kyle defending me until he was blue in the face. It was all ridiculous. Even when I don't start drama, it finds me. Kyle and I talk on average of 3 hours a day, every day, on the phone. I know, without a doubt, that I am his closest friend and without a doubt, he is mine. Everything is how it should be, despite people trying to convince me otherwise.
For the most part I am content with my life but I am looking for a better job and still plan to go grad school in Fall 2007. I have a new phone, new phone number, new hairstyle and most important new goals in my life. I am still meandering between success and failure but when it comes down to it, it's ultimately my decision. Am I in love? No but the confusion is still there.

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"I got me a chicken infection" [29 Sep 2005|12:53am]
[ mood | amused ]

Dude! I totally put Carl's Solo from Aqua Teen as my voice mailbox greeting. Check it out: 208-860-6019. Freakin awesome.

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"If I survive this... I'm going to beat the shit out of that meatball!" [20 Sep 2005|03:33pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

This has turned into a terrible day. It's just like I woke up from some haze and saw an entire year of work and school ahead of me and panicked. I am so exhausted; I could fall asleep in this chair. I should have gone home when I got out of class because the longer I am on campus, waiting for my job to begin, the more I think I'm a crazy bitch for having this workload in the first place.
Insanely, I got a freakin 98% on my genetics test. I missed one question. More than make me happy though, it just made me laugh. I barely studied for that test and I was freaking out about it. As soon as I saw my grade I burst out laughing. It's good news I suppose. After International Development, I met with my group to go over our project. I didn't come prepared because I always get overruled anyway. First of all, we're doing a development project on Kosovo and Serbia. My opinion is: Who the fuck cares? I have no interest at all in that area of Europe. It's sad and everything, what's happening to these people, but I don't want to study it. To top it off the rest of my group likes Eastern Europe and they all started taking about the history of Kosovo and shit and I had no fucking clue what was going on. I didn't say a word the whole meeting; I just let them decide whatever they wanted to. They even asked me what I thought and I said 'I don't care, do whatever'. Finally when I did say something to the effect of we should get our teacher’s pre-approval before starting this, I was smirked at by one of my group members which made me feel really stupid and insecure. So in essence, they don’t like me and I don't like them. This will be fun.
Next I get an email from my boss, Carol, in the library that tells us employees to remember to take the book reviews and magazines out of the New York and Los Angeles Times. Well considering I am the only one who does the papers, I felt like a real jackass because I make that mistake all the time.
So now I am just exhausted, fed up, hungry, I miss my friends (I tried to call Jesse and the foo wasn’t there) and am upset at my mother because she basically gave me all of her change from her trip to San Antonio as a birthday present. What the hell is that about? Oh and the season premiere of Arrested Development was very unfunny. I was disappointed since I adore that show. It's like they get a little less clever each season. And they totally stole my storyline of Gob having a kid he doesn't know about. I would like to put it on record that was my idea first. Excuse the major bitchiness of this entry but it's much better than taking it out on the World Wide Web than innocent bystanders.

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"The Highlander was a documentary..." [08 Sep 2005|02:09pm]

Geez, it's cool and all, but enough already! Next will be a musical toliet seat iPod that can store up to 5,000 songs and contact aliens using a GPS device.
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"Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?" [02 Sep 2005|10:47am]
The Random Question Meme!Collapse )
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"I'm expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song!" [31 Aug 2005|11:54pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I was stopped in my tracks today by a clone of Nathan Handel. You readers out there haven't known me long enough to know that story but basically Nathan was this beautiful boy I obsessed over back when I was a freshman and sophomore. He looked exactly like this British guy, Lee, that I was in love with. Weird, long story so anyway...this kid today took me by surprise and I wanted to blurt out 'Are you Nathan?' as he passed me in the hall. But it's not him coz as of a few months ago Nathan was at the University of Wisconsin. Still, it was freaky. Moving on...today in my EWO class we had to pair up and figure out Latin roots for words, dumb stuff. I was thinking I'd get by without a partner when this guy took me by surprise and out of nowhere pulled his desk up beside me. And this guy...oh my God. Gorgeous blue eyes and that fair red hair that could be really geeky but also hot depending on the guy. Of course, it was hot. He was so nice too and knew Latin so well. And let me tell you, a guy who knows Latin and is passionate about it gets me going. (My perfect guy would be a Latin/Renaissance Art scholar who had a deep appreciation for British 80s retro and Indie rock, a good heart, a very spiritual side, deep blue eyes and black as night hair.) He was kind of a know it all though but it's expected with Latin majors. It was a minor incident but I thought it was significant because I remembered noticing him the first day in class as we made our introductions. I thought for a split second he was hot and I remembered the said the last thing he read was Beowulf. Is it weird I think that's outrageously sexy? Maybe. An intelligent well read hot guy is so much more hot coz he's smart.
I had a bad feeling today. You know when you get that feeling deep inside that something is wrong? I had it today about Jesse. It was all this talk about tornados in Ohio which my boss told me about. I immediately called him from school and left him a message. Haven't heard back but saw him online earlier so obviously he's fine. It brought this cold fear to my heart to think that he could be hurt. Is that love? Good Lord I hope not. Oh! I'm getting a cell phone next week. The number is 1-900...-

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"Milk was a bad choice!" [29 Aug 2005|06:54pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Gah. Work will kill me slowly. It was a mad house today and to top it off my back was really sore. I think I slept on it wrong. When I actually start working two jobs, it will be hellish. My advisor guest taught my Research Methods class today. He is so damn cute, I had him for Cultural Anthropology. He picked on me of course but he's just dandy. Anywho, mentally planning my trip to Ohio and how stunning I will look getting off the plane since of course, I will have lost at least...30 pounds by then. Yeah right but I hope so. My goal is 50 pounds. Then I will be at the average weight. That will take about a year though so hopefully by graduation, I'll be close. My birthday is less than a month away. I am planning on getting shitfaced. It won't be the same without my USAC pals but I'm sure Jeni will be on board so it's almost the same. I'll be 22 and that's damn scary. It's like an adult. We got major cable today, I mean like 160 channels. Now I can watch Anchorman whenever I want. Killer.

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"You woke the bears, why did you do that?" [26 Aug 2005|09:46pm]
[ mood | full ]

Same ole, same ole. I worked today, nothing too exciting. Autumn left Thursday to go home so I have the entire place to myself, which I am loving. No wonder I like living by myself so much, such freedom. I haven't done any homework this week and I could care less. Senioritis hit me like a Mac truck and it's only the 1st week. I start my other job Sept 12. Having two jobs will be rough I know but I feel totally financially secure now. That is very important to me. I don't need to be rich by any means but just knowing that I have enough for every bill and expense each month is very calming. Plus I have fun money which I intend to put to good use. I called Jeni yesterday to hang out this weekend but she said she had to work. It's a bummer coz I can't think of who else to call. I talked to about everyone yesterday. Finally talked to Jes which was nice. He called Wednesday nite but my roomie was on the Internet. When I talked to Jackie yesterday, she told me he told her that he had just tried to call me before he called her. I hate this whole phone situation. I am for sure getting a cell phone. Anywho, today Jes told me he's going to shave his head. No joke. It saddened me. His response was 'It will grow back by the time you come, don't you fret' Him and everyone else knows how much I adore his hair. Oh and I decided that I'm gonna go visit Jackie in Reno this term. It's like 80 bucks round trip for me and I always have a killer time with her. Now that I have this extra dough coming in, I'm going to, like I said, put it to good use. Talked to Mike yesterday too for a few. It was a bad time for me to call but he told me to give him my number and he'll call later. Truth is, I had already emailed him my new number. I ain't holding my breath for him to call. I give him so much leniency. With people like Jes, if they don't somehow contact me every week, I freak out. With Mike, he could email me once every 3 months and I'm like, 'that's ok'. I'm so naive. I'm still gonna visit him in January but I have a feeling I will be over it by then. But will I be over Jesse? Survey says...no.

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"I wanna rock your body baby!" [25 Aug 2005|08:18am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Started my new job yesterday. Very boring of course and a lot to remember but not hard. It's gonna wear me out being on campus from 9:30 am to 9pm. On Mondays and Wednesdays I work both jobs so 8 hours a day plus class. I must be crazy. I got an email from Jes yesterday. He apparently has switched majors from Film to English and he said he tried to call me the other day and Autumn answered. Well, she never told me he called. I was pretty annoyed by that because it was Jesse who called me and if you know me at all, you know that his calls can sadly be my week's highlight. I had been waiting for him to call me all week too. It was cool though coz when I got his email I was in the middle of the library and I literally squealed out loud in delight. I had been thinking about him all day because I can for sure go to Ohio so I was imagining how it would be. Anywho, I have the place to myself for 3 days which is exciting to me. I work 6 hours tommorrow but I don't have any class. I am looking forward to just chilling and being alone. Though I'm considering calling Jeni so we can go to the bars on Saturday. Dunno, I may just end up sleeping till 3 each day. Either way is good.

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"I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party" [23 Aug 2005|02:59pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Update: Just had my interview for my old job and she offered it to me on the spot. She told me to keep it quiet because she is not approving all people auomatically, even old callers. I totally bluffed my interview. I've always been awesome at interviews when in actually I am a painfully shy person. Weird. I had an advantage though coz Autumn told me the questions she'd ask and about the drop in pay so I didn't freak out on Brittnay, my new boss. The good news too is that instead of 6.50 an hour I can get 7.25 as long as I work 3 shifts a week, which I bascially need to to survive. So job and money problem solved, now I'll just worry about getting work done for these crazy classes. I have 3 graduate classes that will kick my ass. Why do they combine classes like that? Especially if you went here for undergrad then you're just taking the same damn class for your graduate degree. I have actually been thinking about going here for grad school but man, that would be boring.

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"Dorthy Mantooh is a saint!" [23 Aug 2005|11:48am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Ha! I actually got the damn library job. I thought my interview was just okay though she said she really liked my answers on the questionnaire. Then she gave me about 20 slips of paper and told me to put them in order according to the call number. Well I hadn't done that in about 2 years and when I did it was different system with books and now I had to organize journals and magazines. Took me like half and hour.
She made me do it over after she trained me on it. She might have thought about reviewing me BEFORE I started ordering them, ya think? Anyway it doesn't matter, I got it! Today I have an interview for my old job that I've had for 2 years. Now we have a new manager and are going back to $6.50 an hour WITH tax coz now we're employeed by a different company and not the university. I used to made 7.47 an hour so that's a huge blow. However, with this other job I can afford everything I need and want. I'm even thinking about getting a Verizon cell phone coz literally everyone I know - Steph, Jackie, Leanne, Jes, my parents and I think even Angie - has that brand so it would be free to call them. I'm excited too coz now I will be able to afford Ohio and Chicago come this January. I am thrilled about that. I've talked to Steph twice since I've been at school but I haven't talked to Jesse since Friday. He said he'd call me this week, I hope so, I miss him a lot. I keep hearing and seeing his name everyhwere. I've been around about 4 Jesse's in the last 3 days. That's a rare name for a guy. I framed the pic of us on the train to San Fran. My California photos are here by the way: http://photos.yahoo.com/anais_gallagher Check 'em out, there's some good ones in there. Anywho, I'm going to be exhausted this year working 24 hours a week and with 14 credits but I get to go to Ohio! Worth it to me.

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I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I'm miserable now [22 Aug 2005|10:47am]
[ mood | anxious ]

Well, well, here I am, sitting in the library back at school. Frightening prospect, school, that is. I just want to be done. Though today walking across campus, I kept looking around like a newborn confused and amazed by everything. It's a weird feeling being back at school after the boring summer I had. My place is okay I suppose, I'm living with a friend anyway so that's good. It's hella far from campus and I don't have a car. That's the really sucky part. Other than that, it's cool. I have a job interview in ten minutes for a library assistant. It would be perfect if I could get it coz I've done it before and it's on campus. We'll see. I've realized too how many people I don't know on campus. Though I ran into Jeni and Shannon within 20 minutes of each other. Freaky. Anywho, more later, I gotsa prep for this interview.

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"Sounds like somebody's a little bicurious..." [19 Aug 2005|12:05am]
[ mood | tired ]

I had a wonderful visit with my best friend in the entire world, Angie. We've been best friends for 4 years and considering I have moved like 8 times in my life, that's sayin something. We went to this great place called Square which serves crepes and was da friggin bomb, foo. We talked forever, for like 3 hours straight. I told her all about Cali and Mike and stuff and she told me about this new guy Cory and about what she is planning for school. I talked the most because she was so excited to hear about my adventures with the gang. It was fab. Yesterday I spent some time with my friend Kelly who had a baby 2 weeks ago named Quentin. I got to hold him and as soon as he was in my arms, I wanted to be a mom. But the feeling soon faded when the reality of how hard raising kids can be hit me. He was adorable though, I love babies expressions and how they stretch all the time, contorting themselves into odd positions. I text messaged Jackie and Jesse the phrase 'Frickity Frack!' today. Jackie called my house because she couldn't figure out how to text back. Ha. She said it made her day. Tomorrow will be pretty busy packing up but truth is I left most of my stuff in boxes over the summer so all I have to pack is clothes. I have a job interview on Monday at school and if I can get this job I will be very thrilled. It's in the library so it will be pretty easy and that way I can have 2 on campus jobs. Oh and I got my pics back from Cali and they are so kick ass. There is one of Jesse and me that's so adorable, I'm gonna frame it. And to top off my day today I bought a new Smiths album, that makes 3 of theirs I have. Killer.

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"Come here bitch, stand and deliver!" [16 Aug 2005|12:21am]
[ mood | blah ]

I spoke to Mike today. Honest to God, on the phone. I was so nervous. He asked me tons of questions about myself and I found out he spent the summer in France with some Reading international students. His birthday was August 8th so he's 22 now. It was so amazing to hear his voice. He has this great voice that just makes you want to smile the entire time you talk to him, which I did. I miss him so incredibly much. I thought about him all day today. I still want to marry him of course. It's like I can't let him slip through my fingers, no matter what. I love him so much, in a way it scares me that I always will, that I can never let him go. On a slightly less romantic note, I found out I have orgasms in my sleep. Is that natural? Seriously, I have too many sex dreams. I wake up because literally I have climaxed in my sleep. I know this falls under the TMI category but hey, my journal.

Dude, I have the saweetest idea. It would be so cool to call some random person and play clips from the Shake and Carl soundboard. Friggin hilarious. I think I'll do that tommorrow.
Prank Calling Victim: "Hello?"
Shake: "Yer full-blown gay!"
PCV: "What?"
Shake: "You make our house bleed right now!"
PCV: "Who is this?"
Shake: "Am I speaking Greek to you?"
PCV: "Stop calling!"
Shake: "Prepare to be immortal!"
Damn I have way too much time on my hands. And I totally want Carl's 'I Wanna Rock Yer Body' air guitar solo as my ringtone.

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"Frickity Frack!" [14 Aug 2005|02:25am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

It's getting ridiculous. Spent hours talking to Jesse about him and Jacque. Geez. Now it's making me gag and that's hard to do with shit like this. Whatever. I just found out that she actually said she didn't like him like that and told him to give up. Yeah he neglected to tell me that but apparently he told everyone else that. Again, whatever, I don't care anymore. I guess he met this girl tonite who thought he was cute and he has her number now. He bitches and moans about this crap all the time when there are lots of girls who find him attractive and want to go out with him. Talk to me when you literally have NO options, then maybe I'll let you cry on my shoulder. I don't mean that to sound harsh but the boy is a girl when it comes to love. He needs to toughen up. I care about him a great deal but come on, man, be a man about it. Anywho, I figured out where I'm gonna live and am convinced Mike is ignoring me. My apathy has got the best of me.

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"Leave the mothers out of this" - Ron Burgundy [13 Aug 2005|02:43am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Still have no place to live. Still waiting for Mike to call me back. Still wondering how the hell I am gonna make it through this year. I know I need to stop this but I wrote a long ranting email to Jesse about what's been going on and told him I was wrong to tell him to give up on Jacque. Honestly, him and I are in the same situation. I haven't given up on Mike, I know I need to, but I refuse to. What place is it of mine to tell someone to do the exact opposite of what I am doing? I'm so hypocritical sometimes. Lately, I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep for 100 years. Maybe that will wash some of the real world away.

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